Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
