Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Randomize
