I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
