Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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