After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
