Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
