Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
