So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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