I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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