I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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