can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the condom got lost in my hair
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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