My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
