I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
