I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
not ubering you a puppy
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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