whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
