he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
