Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
