Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
