Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
