Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
