Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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