I think I just saw someone hide a body.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
