Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
