Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
