Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
