Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
