I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
