the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
