I just pynch a tree in the face
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
MIDGETS
????
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
