She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
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You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
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Everyone says I win the strip club
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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