I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
