So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
