i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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