Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
