i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just puked most of my soul out..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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