apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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