I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
