Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
