so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
