When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
