at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
