She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
