they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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