What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
