I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
