MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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