Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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