i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
as a side note pls kill me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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