I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
