what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
