when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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