took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
