Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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