I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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