I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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