I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
