On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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