I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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