what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
