Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
