Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
