I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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