so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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